Know Thyself (or Selves)
One of my amazing friends owns a horse farm and I have the utter joy of joining with her regularly to create experiential equine workshops for individuals and businesses. Three of us meet regularly to supposedly plot our next offerings, but often we get sidetracked by all there is to learn. This is rather simple to do because my dear friend Deb is a learning addict — in the most positive sense of the word. She will cart a huge bag of her latest book purchases to each session, gifting at least one if not more, and introducing us to the rest. Then it is up to us to try to manage our own yearnings. Can anyone have too many books? I don’t think so.
We gathered this week and honestly sought to move forward with the design of a series of workshops on retirement, not that I’m quite saying that word yet. We hope to pilot the series this fall. While we managed to set another date to do a deep dive into the content, the bulk of our time focused on diving into Deb’s book bag.
This is a long-winded introduction to a fascinating-sounding book entitled “Your Symphony of Selves: Discover and Understand More of Who We Are,” by James Fadiman, Ph.D and Jordan Gruber, J.D., which she yanked out immediately.
In a quick nutshell, the authors hypothesize “that each of us consists of distinct, autonomous, and inherently valuable ‘selves’ — and that honoring each of these selves is a key to improved ways of living, loving and working.” To be clear, this book suggests that multiple selves are a good thing, not a bad thing.
This book would be a hefty read at 434 pages, but as someone who advocates catching the inner voice in the act of behaving poorly and taking action to remedy the situation, I was intrigued with the concept.
Our trio brainstormed our many selves that afternoon, and I started creating a map of all the ones I could identify, even naming a few. It seemed a handy way to crank up the awareness of our different motives and moods. So without further ado, please let me introduce you to a few of my favorite — or at least more interesting — selves.
Lizzie
I’ve known Lizzie for a long time, since reading “Steering by Starlight” by Martha Beck, who suggests that everyone has an internal lizard:
“The entire purpose of your reptilian brain is to continuously broadcast survival fears — alarm reactions that keep animals alive in the wild. These fears fall into two categories: lack and attack. On one hand, our reptilian brains are convinced that we lack everything we need: We don’t have enough love, time, money, everything. On the other hand, something terrible is about to happen. A predator — human or animal — is poised to snatch us! That makes sense if we’re hiding in a cave somewhere, but when we’re home in bed, our imaginations can fixate on catastrophes that are so vague and hard to ward off that they fill us with anxiety that has no clear action implication…. Every person’s fears are unique, but the themes of lack and attack are drearily repetitive.”
Lizzie is the voice inside my head that tells me that my writing is no good and that I will serve no useful purpose in pursuing it. She also awakes me in the middle of the night to shriek about my children being in danger and a boogey man coming to get me. She used to be a terrible influence, but now I usually can soothe Lizzie by telling her that I’ve got this, and all is going to be okay.
Pain Body
Lizzie does have a very negative cousin, who sniffs out envy and despair. Author Eckart Tolle calls it the pain body, for its propensity to feast on pain and negativity. It is vicious and relentless for some people, and finding this dark side of ourselves is critical, as is eliminating any power it has over us. Fortunately for me, it doesn’t show up very often and when it does, I quickly show it to the door.
The Learner and the Creator
These two selves partner constantly and are great pals. Always curious, the learner goes whole hog in learning about things, which the creator can then use in a myriad of ways. Their positive energy bubbles away, and they are always ready to jump in and tackle a new project. I am truly at my best when enjoying their collective pursuits. They are also very protective of their gifts and don’t take kindly to interruptions from the likes of Lizzie. When Lizzie moans about my inability to write, this strong duo take a firm stand. And that’s a good thing. It took me some time to recognize and honor these wonderful selves over my lifetime. Fortunately, they are front and center these days, and going through this exercise solidified this further. You guys rock!
The Judger
In recent years, I’ve worked hard to quell a propensity for irritation and temper. These negative traits do not serve me well, and I explore what triggers them so that I can catch myself before erupting. I’ve found that some of the biggest triggers are when I judge others and when I’m not feeling heard or appreciated. Hello ego! Thus, the judger emerges, a strong but ill-tempered self, one that is quite willing to speak — and act — in a not-so-nice fashion. For example, a car cuts me off and the driver doesn’t even wave in apology. The road rage emerges fast and furiously, and it sure doesn’t want to concede to a softer, gentler approach. Another example is when I feel slighted by someone or something. Do I feel hurt? Yes, I do. But I act angry. I am quick to judge, it seems, and identifying this whole dynamic has been helpful.
The Essential Self
I would be remiss not to mention one more self, who falls into a slightly different category than those previously mentioned. This is the quiet voice within, who speaks the truth. Martha Beck refers to it as the essential self. Others refer to it as our soul; author Michael Singer calls it the untethered soul in a great book by the same name. Sadly, the many selves speak right over this calm, thoughtful voice. If we quiet ourselves and really pay attention, this essential self has amazing counsel for us. Often, I will ask myself a question, and let all the selves fling out their opinions. Then I listen for a final comment, usually sage beyond measure. I try to honor it and value it.
Back to the “Symphony of Selves.” The authors suggest that the opportunity is to accept and take counsel from all of the selves, as they all have important information and lessons for us to learn:
“As a human being, you are already a constellation of selves, and the totality of who you are has already established many working protocols to get you this far through life. If you can see into how and why you — as the collective self — already tick, you can hone in on what is already working and simply do more of that. Or you can consider what might not be working so well and experiment with toning that down a notch or two.”
So, many thanks to my dear friend for sharing her learnings — and her books. I’ve learned so much from her in so many ways, which thrills my Learner self to no end.
